A New Year and still…

The same crappy problems.

Why do we do it? Why do we convince ourselves that we can be more than what we probably are? We have dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses, but for what? Who was it that once had such aspirations that when his, (for this case) “dreams” or wings got to close to the heavens and melted in result. He crashed and fell to reality. Icarus was warned never to fly too high or too low. To live a life of complacency. To take a more “half-full” approach. He was advised to be more balanced. It’s good advice when you think about it. Don’t carry yourself in the clouds but don’t just settle for kind-of -good. Our dreams are what make us. They are what drive us in our life. So yeah, those dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses are very much worth having. Our wings may not be of wax and maybe can’t literally melt but what’s worse. Losing them or never even attempting to use them?

Well what does this have to do with gaming and your so-called “career” in the video game industry. Everything.

I struggle with the concept of motivation to be something more than what I feel I’m “meant” to be. I could just settle myself and forever work in a job that means nothing to me. Sure, it may provide stability in my life or maybe it won’t. But maybe that’s all I can do. Maybe that’s all I’m good for. Seems logical. Makes complete sense because how many people give up on the things they want to do because of the things they have to do. There are things that society tells  us that we need to do and no I’m not going to go off on a rant about how society dictates what is desired and whats not desired. I mean it does but that’s not my point. My point is this is a battle for everyone that isn’t handed their life. Even here in this blog. I have had this for quite some time now and I would of hoped to have had hundreds of followers, my blog would have gotten me some attention and I would’ve segue this into some junior writer spot on some website with thousandths of readers. Well look around. That hasn’t exactly happened nor does it look like it will. Is that going to keep me from writing? Well I would love to say no, but look back on my post or lack thereof because it has. I go away and feel I have nothing to write for anyone or even myself. It’s hard. It’s hard to admit that the biggest thing keeping myself from being this awesome internet writer and blogger in the video game industry-community isn’t the trolls of the web but it’s the trolls in my own head.

Just write. Just keep writing.

I can tell myself this over and over. But it’s like that feeling when you say something so many times to yourself that it starts to sound a little odd and eventually you can’t even convince anyone around that even you believe it. Because, you don’t. That part sucks. I regret not writing everyday because there was a time where I was and I was personally feeling really good, inspired, and accomplished of my writing. Sure I wasn’t getting tons of reads but at least I was doing the work. I need to get back there. I will try to get back. One day at a time I suppose.

Where do I stand now?

Well that update is more defeating then ever I think. Still jobless and not at all close to getting a job that means something to me. But let’s not forget the fact that I need a shit job because I need to pay for things and bills. That’s not a unique problem to me however. Everyone has to deal with that. Welcome to adulthood, the ever struggle between your dreams and reality… part two, the unfiltered version. I don’t know that just sounded cool in my head so I wrote it.

There’s nothing currently I feel needs to be written. No news worth noting. I’m sure there are things out there that I could try to report on or give my two cents on but currently I’m a defeated man. Determined, mind you, but defeated. One day at a time.

I have drafts that I need to work on and  I will. I’m making a pact with myself at least to write one thing at least a day. No good came to anyone for not trying. In the words of Master Yoda, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” (god I’m a dork) So apparently if I’m going by this saying go ahead and exempt those “tries” I noted earlier because If I were to do it. Well it would make this entry moot.

More tomorrow.

Seemed fitting