Fantasy Time

I’m a big fan of Dungeon and Dragons. Huge fan really. Something about it has always made me feel a little, free. Over the years my love for the game and the work that makes a mighty campaign epic, epic has grown. It was’t always so though. I was a closeted nerd for some time. When I entered the world of fantasy where anything could happen I relished in it.  It’s safe to say that I don’t plan on going anywhere either.

I remember when I first started getting into the idea of fantasy based worlds. I was around the age of nine. I was a huge fan of history as a child and still am today. That love of history lead me to things like King Arthur and his knights, Robin Hood, and other medieval based lore. As a young boy seriously what’s better for the imagination then shields, swords, magic, and fire breathing dragons. It inspired me to think outside of the box. My imagination was broad and often at times kept me company when times were so-so. I remember making up stories in my head that would take place in expansive realms with detailed characters. I would keep these stories going in my head for days until they reached a natural stopping point or I just forgot where I left off. It wouldn’t stop me from starting a new story though.

By the time a the first “Lord of The Rings” movie came out I was already immersed into the fantasy world of Tolkien. Having to read “The Hobbit” in the fourth grade the idea of being able to see elves, dwarves, and hobbits come to life was a must see.

Fast forward to ten or so years and I no longer needed to make up these fantasy worlds in my head. Thanks to Bethesda and the magic of Todd Howard I was able to visit worlds that only drove me deeper into fantasy. Morrowind, Oblivion, and Skyrim opened me up to a universe that I could never come up with but one that I’m more the grateful for having spent hours and hours in. Seriously, collectively I have at least over a thousand hours in Skyrim alone. I can’t remember how many hours I put in Oblivion but it was a lot. Those games like many people who call themselves “gamers” have a special place in my heart. It’s not just the game but it was the time  when I picked it up, the hours I spent playing it and the people I played it with.

That’s just a little insight to how I became such a fan of Dungeons and Dragons. I didn’t actually get a chance to play the game until I was about 20. The firs taste of D&D I ever had was the board game Called the Wrath of Ashardalon. It was a board game version of D&D that’s played with minis, in traditional D&D fashion, cards, a die, and map tiles. It’s a modified version of the true pen and paper game but still contained all the fun. That lead our little group of five guys to decide to try out the actual game. I got some PDF’s on the rules and characters and  away we went. I can’t explain how much fun I had being able to build my own world piece by piece. I felt like my adolescent self again creating worlds where anything and everything was possible. Of course however like many other Dungeon and Dragons groups before ours we disbanded because of drama/players weren’t showing up anymore. It happens.

Now two years apart that we haven’t played  we have decided to rekindle our group and give it a try again. The so called Cave Bear Killers dungeon and dragons group is back together and not at all stronger than ever. I think we are more willing now however. We have made the characters and my campaign is awaiting them. The only thing we need to wait on is the final touches of our group. Like dates and times. We’ll get there.

Until then I’ll just keep adding more and more details to my story.

A New Year and still…

The same crappy problems.

Why do we do it? Why do we convince ourselves that we can be more than what we probably are? We have dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses, but for what? Who was it that once had such aspirations that when his, (for this case) “dreams” or wings got to close to the heavens and melted in result. He crashed and fell to reality. Icarus was warned never to fly too high or too low. To live a life of complacency. To take a more “half-full” approach. He was advised to be more balanced. It’s good advice when you think about it. Don’t carry yourself in the clouds but don’t just settle for kind-of -good. Our dreams are what make us. They are what drive us in our life. So yeah, those dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses are very much worth having. Our wings may not be of wax and maybe can’t literally melt but what’s worse. Losing them or never even attempting to use them?

Well what does this have to do with gaming and your so-called “career” in the video game industry. Everything.

I struggle with the concept of motivation to be something more than what I feel I’m “meant” to be. I could just settle myself and forever work in a job that means nothing to me. Sure, it may provide stability in my life or maybe it won’t. But maybe that’s all I can do. Maybe that’s all I’m good for. Seems logical. Makes complete sense because how many people give up on the things they want to do because of the things they have to do. There are things that society tells  us that we need to do and no I’m not going to go off on a rant about how society dictates what is desired and whats not desired. I mean it does but that’s not my point. My point is this is a battle for everyone that isn’t handed their life. Even here in this blog. I have had this for quite some time now and I would of hoped to have had hundreds of followers, my blog would have gotten me some attention and I would’ve segue this into some junior writer spot on some website with thousandths of readers. Well look around. That hasn’t exactly happened nor does it look like it will. Is that going to keep me from writing? Well I would love to say no, but look back on my post or lack thereof because it has. I go away and feel I have nothing to write for anyone or even myself. It’s hard. It’s hard to admit that the biggest thing keeping myself from being this awesome internet writer and blogger in the video game industry-community isn’t the trolls of the web but it’s the trolls in my own head.

Just write. Just keep writing.

I can tell myself this over and over. But it’s like that feeling when you say something so many times to yourself that it starts to sound a little odd and eventually you can’t even convince anyone around that even you believe it. Because, you don’t. That part sucks. I regret not writing everyday because there was a time where I was and I was personally feeling really good, inspired, and accomplished of my writing. Sure I wasn’t getting tons of reads but at least I was doing the work. I need to get back there. I will try to get back. One day at a time I suppose.

Where do I stand now?

Well that update is more defeating then ever I think. Still jobless and not at all close to getting a job that means something to me. But let’s not forget the fact that I need a shit job because I need to pay for things and bills. That’s not a unique problem to me however. Everyone has to deal with that. Welcome to adulthood, the ever struggle between your dreams and reality… part two, the unfiltered version. I don’t know that just sounded cool in my head so I wrote it.

There’s nothing currently I feel needs to be written. No news worth noting. I’m sure there are things out there that I could try to report on or give my two cents on but currently I’m a defeated man. Determined, mind you, but defeated. One day at a time.

I have drafts that I need to work on and  I will. I’m making a pact with myself at least to write one thing at least a day. No good came to anyone for not trying. In the words of Master Yoda, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” (god I’m a dork) So apparently if I’m going by this saying go ahead and exempt those “tries” I noted earlier because If I were to do it. Well it would make this entry moot.

More tomorrow.

Seemed fitting

A Friday Night

My sister called me the other day and one of the first things on the agenda to talk about was of course the election, her state of being, and then ultimately my state of being. She asked “Are you doing okay. Like okay, okay, or just eh-okay.” I told her it’s probably a mix of them all. I couldn’t really tell. Even now I can’t tell. It’s like being in a drifting state where everything seems upside down and odd.

We spoke on the phone for a good while and I expressed that I felt that with this election all that has taken place nothing I want to do with myself seems possible or important for that matter. Just because, you know, there are bigger things out there that matter more than me. But I have to understand that in my life the things that matter to me in the long run are important. They do matter. But, I can also make a difference in those other things that I believe in. I won’t express what those “things” are because I want to stay away from politics, for now at least, but that shit weighs on me. I think for so long I tried to be indifferent about it but at this point in our history as humans I can’t really ignore it. So we bounced feelings off of one another while I played the Overwatch PTR to give Sombra a test run. It helped. Made me feel that yes I can feel like a human who wants to help others and inspire other to bring about change in this world and time while also pursuing my passions and dreams. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be any easier.

As I sit here and write this on a Friday night at 11:53 pm I’m just thinking about the things that I need to do and by the Eight (Because Talos was a human and not an Aedra so that means not by the Nine) it’s a lot of crap. I mean a lot. I got back into streaming again and it was okay. Not great but something weird started to happen. I was streaming Overwatch one night and OBS kept crashing I couldn’t figure out why. After doing some research on the forums it turns out that Windows 10 causes the crash and as of right now there is no fix. That’s according to OBS devs. They are adamant that it’s not OBS. So I will believe them and try to not be one of those people who rage over on the forums about their problems because they mean more than yours. Not my style. I’m more “The suffer in silence” kind of type. However, man-o-man is it always something that happens when I try to stream. One would think that maybe streaming isn’t something that is going to happen for me and maybe that’s true. Should it stop me it has in the past but I’m trying to endure it. 

Couple of things has caught my attention in the time that I wrote about whatever it was that I wrote. Dishonored 2 came out and I really truly enjoyed the first one but never finished it. So that kind of bummed me out because I didn’t want to play the new one without playing the other. Lucky me I bought the collection edition of Dishonored 2, yes the one with the badass replica Corvo mask, and it came with a digital copy of Dishonored. So like the champ that I am. I put Overwatch to the side for a while focused on Dishonored. I power played the hell out of that game but was still able to most of the content. Took about 25 hours but I forgot how good the story was and the DLC was phenomenal. With the finishing of that I couldn’t wait to play the second and it truly looks great. I look forward to beating it. 

I might have a thing about Dishonored but who the hell knows if I’ll ever get around to writing about that. Maybe I will. 

Also a couple years back I started learning how to play Dungeons and Dragons. I can’t remember why it was that I got into it. But when I did, man I embraced it like it was school all over again. Just because there is so much content and rules. Naturally this is something that I like to do because there is a ton of lore. Well we formed a group with some friends of mine and we started to play. However as with what happens to a lot of D&D groups we broke up and stopped playing. Recently I have been feeling the itch again so I called the old group to see if they would be interested in getting back into it. The reaction was a little better than I thought it’d be. The group is back together. Hopefully we can get together before the holiday to make the characters so I can get the campaign going here soon. That I know I will blog about just because it’s something that I did with the last campaign on Tumblr. Mostly because I just enjoy writing the content of what the group does and what I plan on doing in the future to them. It’s a good way to keep track of all the content for the group.

So that is all right now. Not too much going on. I’ll try harder to write because it’s important for my sanity, I hope.

Revelations and Excitement

So it’s been some time that I haven’t said anything worth reading. I can admit that. Frankly I haven’t been active on this site as much as I thought that I would be. Sure, there are a myriad of reason to why I haven’t written anything and yes all of those would be excuses. They would. I look at the calendar on the main page of my site and all it does is prove that I haven’t done anything. I haven’t used this site to my full advantage because of whatever half-assed reason. It sucks. More so because it’s my fault.

But let’s be a little positive now. Video games are coming out and there are some that I’am really looking forward to. This weekend I got my hands on Battlefield 1. Which slapped me back to when I was nine when I popped in Medal of Honor circa 1999. That game much like the Steven Spielberg’s award winning film, “Saving Private Ryan”  just throws you into battle without any notice. One second you hear the horn of war the next you are storming the beach of D-Day.

For me playing  a game like that was as I told me cousin the day we played it “intense.” I spent much of my youth in libraries reading about World War I and II. It was a passion of mine. So when I had the chance to play Medal of Honor it was more then a game to me even at the age of nine. I remember getting goose bumps and shaking while playing the game because I was so immersed in it. It was an insight to what those men might have gone through. It was an insight to all the things I had read in books.

Saturday night I went over to a friends house and he had Battlefield 1 and I knew what it was supposed to be about but I had no idea that it was going to to take me back to that time when I was nine. It’s a beautiful game with a ton of intense game play. I wasn’t shaking this time but if I had the time to sit there with headphones on and focus on what it was that I was doing, I could have. I didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with the game but from what I saw it covers the stories of several individuals during the time of the World War throughout various of locations. There was however a scene that sold me on how amazing this game is going to be. In the midst of a battle the smoke clears and two men stand facing one another. Armed and ready to shoot the other but something seems different in this scene. They are the only two standing in a field of smoking bodies and blood. They look on the young men is one of defeat because even if the other fires no one has won this day. Their friends and countrymen lie dead at their feet and if they choose to they could add one more. They stand there just pointing their rifles at the other but choose to not fire. Instead they show mercy. They drop their rifles and turn away from one another because one more life lost won’t change anything. The scene was one from a great war film or novel. That’s the moment I knew this game was going to be different. Originally it wasn’t a game that I considered buying but Sunday morning I went ahead an ordered it from Amazon. It comes Wednesday. Plus I got a good deal because I use Twitch and are a Prime member. So win-win and I look forward to playing it.

Grinding my way to the next step.

As I sit here and begin to type I begin to ask myself, “What’s the next step?”

What can I do to make this whole video game journalist thing an actual real thing and not just a dreaded hobby. I want to take the next step but aside from trying to be active through social media and writing when I can. I’m not sure what that next step is. Should I stream and throw myself into that again and go through the grind of streaming all over again. Or should I continue to write and blog all that I can until I get noticed by a significant amount of people. I’m not sure anymore. It’s hard to stay motivated through this feeling right now. Sure I can call it a slump or frustration because I just don’t seem to be yielding the views or notes that I wish I could have here, but I have to continue.

Nothing worth while comes easy. There almost always has to be a grind to get where you want to be or have what you want to have. Being a gamer is the epitome of that reality. Grinding is as much apart of life as it is apart of gaming. Think about it. In an MMO, (Massive Multiplayer Online) to get anywhere worth while you have to grind levels. It would be nice to have that armor set that only drops in that one specific dungeon, right? Of course it would be but the catch is you only have one chance every week to attempt to get it and each piece of gear has a 10% drop rate. So nine times out of ten you’re going to get some crappy gear for a warlock that you don’t use anymore because they nerfed him. So you work on it. You word hard towards that goal, because you know that when you have it and achieve it, its all the more special because you’ve earned it, it wasn’t purchased, wasn’t traded for, and  no one handed it you. You earned it. Relish in that fact.

This is where I am right now. It’s not a wall that I have hit because I feel fine. Mentally that is. I’m prepared for this grind but the issue is that I can’t quite tell what the next step is for me to take. I my self am a person of planning. I need a layout. I’ve done pretty much everything with some kind of organized plan. Whether it involved gaming or not. So here I am 1:17 AM asking the universe, whats next.

“Keep Grinding.” Was the motivational message Kevin Pereira left on his Instagram the other night. Simple, wordless, straight forward.

kevper “a simple message of hope.”

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a simple message of hope.

A post shared by Kevin Pereira (@kevper) on

Since seeing this it’s been kind of a wake up call that feeling like your work is fruitless and unrewarding is part of the grind. But you keep at it because, like many League of Legends players will say, “Still Worth.”

I’ve followed KP since his days back with G4tv  on “Attack of the Show.” An early inspiration to the desire of having some kind of life that evolved the gaming world and its community. So I take his simple message to heart. “Keep grinding.” It’s like the phrase of the night or week. Maybe even the month. Who knows, but I will take these simple words to heart and if you are like me stuck in a rut. Take a tip from Kevin P. Keep grinding.